Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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