why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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