i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
