Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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