Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
