when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
