soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
