i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
