I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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