Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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