good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
