I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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