dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
and you fell through a lawn chair
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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