it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's official drugs can't kill me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You ruined the universe
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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