im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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