At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize