i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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