Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
