I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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