so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
