I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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