I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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