Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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