I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize