the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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