i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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