my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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