ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
