There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
