You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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