No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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