What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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