I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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