He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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