my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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