I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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