Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize