It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
