Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
