My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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