oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
