That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
