I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
