Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
