sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
