Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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