my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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