i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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