...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
