Just fell off a train. Bad.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Text me some of your sweat
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
