Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
