if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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