So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
