the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
