Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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