I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
