some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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