dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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